16 December, 2008

Tequila

Tequila

A foul distilled spirit made of agave, which has the sole redeeming feature of causing young college co-ed's clothing to disappear after they have imbibed it.

15 December, 2008

Web 2.0

Web 2.0

1. New internet technologies that allow for a more interactive and social experience.
2. Much improved over Web 1.0 as Web 2.0 companies have a burn rate TWICE as fast as Web 1.0 companies.

The Big 3

The Big 3

1. Commonly known as GM (General Motors), Ford and Chrysler
2. Pension and Insurance funds that occasionally manufacture cars.

14 December, 2008

Atheist

Atheist

A person who believes there is no god with religious fervor. Will feel a right twit in Hell.

See videos of the devil at the bottom of the dictionary

13 December, 2008

Weasel

Weasel

1. A small furry animal, related to ferrets
2. A coworker who does the following:

-No work
-Skips work
-Has great hair
-Has great self promotion skills
-Known for being a kiss ass

and

-Gets promoted to be your boss, making your life hell. See here
-Marries Miss America

Jerry Springer

Jerry Springer

1. A daytime talkshow host.
2. A trashier version of "Oprah". Originator of the "Nuts and Sluts" form of talk show.
3. A smashing good opera.

E-Mail

E-Mail

1. An electronic form of communication replacing interoffice memos and bulletin boards. It is also used as an electronic "watercooler" for many workers.
2. A way of appearing busy at work without actually doing work, e.g. "I am just doing my e-mails", "I need to catch up on my e-mails" while all the time shamelessly flirting with your sexy co-worker... via e-mail.

Meetings

Meetings:

A gathering of your coworkers to segregate the smartest and most productive from the dimmest and laziest, via a process of "selective weaseling" which will separate the smartest as they can "weasel out" of any given meeting.

Note: An extremely good weasel can "weasel out" of a meeting that he or she has called and is chairing. These are coworkers to be avoided at all costs as they can weasel out of work entirely and are busy fooling around with your girlfriend or wife as you read this.

Oprah

Oprah

1. An extremely successful TV show host and originator of Oprah's Book Club
2. The source of numerous imitators
3. The font of all wisdom for women between 18 and 50 on all aspects of their lives, including:

-Why their relationship stink
-Why their parents stink
-Why their jobs stink
-Why their lives stink

4. The source of all male misery from the TV shows and Oprah's Book Club

07 December, 2008

Source of the Devil's Dictionary Revised

One of the books I am a fan of is Ambrose Bierce's "The Devil's Dictionary". When I headed off to Baja for a bit of head clearing time. So I got to thinking about all the jokes and wittisms that I used to share with friends and co-workers while I was driving. All of a sudden I had 40 definitions that I have been writing down and feeding to the blog when I can. As I surfed and kayaked more, I came up with more. And I have been busy writing them down. I am running at about 90 definitions for the Devil's Dictionary Revised. And I am not slowing down at all.

I plan on keeping the list going while I am down here and putting them here when I get back "home". Even though there isn't a home to go to for a while.

06 December, 2008

Girlfriend

Girlfriend

1. A women who has sex with a man with who she has a relationship, for money
2. The amount of money varies with each encounter with said girlfriend. Favored monetary units include:

-Dinner
-Flowers
-Jewelry
-Chocolate
-Shopping Sprees
-Other "Shiny" objects

3. Brings all attendant "baggage" from previous relationships and inflicts the new boyfriend with said "baggage".
4. Will tend to "break things off" for various reasons, usually surrounding certain jewelry that her boyfriend does not provide that is seen to be fitted around the third finger (ring finger) of the right hand.

See Prostitute

Prostitute

Prostitute

1. A woman who will have sex with a man for money.
2. The amount of money and time for sex is fixed and established up front.
3. Negotiation is allowed.

See Girlfriend & Attorney

04 December, 2008

SmartPhone

SmartPhone

1. A phone with an advanced operating system and more computing power than laptops, designed to make the owner look situationally stupid.
2. A phone that cost more than most laptops proving you have more money than the average man and are a Very Important Person, commonly known as a "Jack-Ass"

See Work, AntiWork and BlackBerry

BlackBerry a/k/a CrackBerry

BlackBerry

Commonly known as a "CrackBerry"

1. A work equalization device, designed to:
a.) Alarm when you are concentrating on work, thus preventing you from working
b.) Alarm when you are at home, to make you do the work you didn't do in the office from it going off in the office.

See Work, AntiWork & SmartPhone

Marriage Counseling

Marriage Counseling:

1. A process where a therapist, or marriage counselor, acts as a referee for a quarreling couple.
2. A process where you learn:
a.) Your parents weren't married - Common English Translation: "Bastard"
b.) The flaws your parents made in raising you:
Common English Translation: "Lazy ass and worthless parents that raised your sorry ass."
c.) Your transgressions since you were a couple:
Common English Translation: "Ever since we were dating..."
d.) Your flaws at the mating rituals: Common English Translation: "You suck in bed!"
e. ) Your flaws at employment: Common English translation: "You don't make enough money!!!"
f.) Your comparative worth to your soon to be ex-spouse: Common English Translation: "Goddamn It, you suck, you are shit, fuck you, I don't know why I married you"

All at $250+ an hour, the price of a good dominatrix who is better at dishing out abuse.

Trial Separation

Trial Separation:

1. Short: A separation that will end in a trial
2. Long: A separation of a married couple that will serve only to enrich their attorneys and impoverish the couple.

From St. Ritchie

Loading...