The Devil's Dictionary - Revised

Rock

2009-04-24T21:00:00.001-07:00

Rock

An extinct musical genre. See

Rock 'n Roll Records (Aint Sellin' This Year)

Kayak

2009-04-24T20:31:00.001-07:00

Kayak

A watercraft that was originally developed by the Inuit. Also the best way to commute to work.

Process

2009-04-24T20:26:00.001-07:00

Process

Commonly used as a fig leaf to describe the failure of a major corporate or organizational initiative. Usually used as "But we followed the established process". Used also to minimize the risk of layoff or firing of a well deserving person.

Collective IQ Moment

2009-04-24T20:24:00.001-07:00

Collective IQ Moment

Collective IQ Moments are know to occur when a person, usually a coworker, makes a statement of such breathtaking stupidity or inanity that the only response is: "Did the collective IQ in the room just suddenly drop?". Such moment usually occur in meetings, company gatherings or cubicle chit chat.

Collective IQ Moment

2009-01-18T09:54:00.001-08:00

Bluetooth

2009-01-18T09:50:00.001-08:00

Bluetooth

A wireless technology that is commonly used for 'hands free' calling on your mobile phone. This allow very important people to make very important calls (usually about some intimate matter in public) while shopping, making love or using the loo.

Speakerphone

2009-01-18T09:47:00.001-08:00

Speakerphone

A work productivity tool that allows you to share your most intimate life details with your surrounding coworkers, guaranteeing that they will be annoyed and entertained at the same time.

Rehabilitation

2009-01-18T09:45:00.001-08:00

Rehabilitation

Commonly know as "Rehab", this is a new form of career resurrection practiced by celebrities, insuring that they will always remain in the spotlight.

Television

2009-01-18T09:43:00.001-08:00

Television

A new opiate of the masses for the 20th century, replacing the 19th century opiate, religion.

"Citizen of the World"

2009-01-18T09:40:00.001-08:00

"Citizen of the World"

An expression that is commonly heard among 20-somethings on their first trip to a foreign land, usually a spring break trip to Mexico or a lost weekend in Canada, showing to the world that they are Americans, have no clue about the rest of the world and speak no other languages. Usually exclaimed in groups of other Americans on their first international trip.

Rest Area

2009-01-18T09:27:00.001-08:00

Rest Area

A roadside relief station located along major interstates and freeways for those calls of nature. Rest areas prove the virtues of 1st world sanitation standards by exhibiting no signs of them.

Tim Ferriss

2009-01-18T09:24:00.001-08:00

Tim Ferriss

The author of "The 4-Hour Work Week" and evidence that Americans are viewed as lazy and always looking for short cuts. He is also proof of P.T. Barnum's maxim that "there is a sucker born every minute".

(Ed Comment.: This entry deserves a cite to Penelope Trunk's Blog for the idea)

Process

2009-01-18T09:15:00.001-08:00

Process

A series of steps designed to insure failure for most activities of a business through the rigid following of the steps of the process. Process also provides a fig leaf for those failures based on the fact that the proper process and procedural steps were adhered to. Refer to the more current version of this definition posted April 24, 2009 for a more accurate and useful definition.

Decaffeinated Coffee

2009-01-18T08:56:00.001-08:00

Decaffeinated Coffee

Commonly called 'Decaf". A foul, bitter and nasty brew that is conclusive proof of a malevolent force in the universe, known as Satan, leading decaf to be called "Satan's Brew".

Project Manager

2009-01-18T08:52:00.001-08:00

Project Manager

A person charged with navigating a project though the usual hoops of bureaucracy, inertia, ineptness, competing turf wars and sheer bloody-mindedness to bring it to market. Commonly referred to as "the resident grown-up".

Manager

2009-01-18T08:48:00.001-08:00

Manager

A person in the business world to whom several workers report. The purpose of a manager seems to be:

-Prevent effective communication between you and your coworkers
-Prevent effective communication between the layer of management in the firm.
-Prevent you from doing your work with random visits to check in throughout your workday

Legal Definition - from NoReinsGirl (Twitter)

2009-01-10T11:42:00.000-08:00

Another great guest contribution from NoReinsGirl on Twitter. Thanks Sharon

Twitter

1. Social Networking Site enabling the user to send messages in 140 characters or less.
2. Networking Site that makes the user cooler than high school or college by sheer number of followers.

Law School

1. Method of training students to become lawyers through post-secondary education.
2. Waterboarding than law students pay money to have done to them.

Wine

1. Fermented Grape Juice aged in oak barrels at a constant temperature.
2. Classy drink used by individuals to get schnockered while attempting to cup, taste, and critique said liquid.

Bar Review

1. Studying for The Bar in the time period between law school graduation and The Bar.
2. Law Student review of all bars, pubs, and drinking establishments within a 10 mile radius of law school traditionally held on Thursday nights.
3. Excuse to go drinking with fellow students and commiserate about the waterboarding.

Boyfriend - From FictionALY (Twitter)

2009-01-10T11:09:00.000-08:00

A great guest contribution from FictionALY on Twitter

Boyfriend

one who only accepts sex as incentive for behaving like a decently considerate individual.

(Ed. Note) Thereby proving the civilizing influence of women and proving that women are superior to men

Thanks FictionALY

Tequila

2008-12-16T19:55:00.000-08:00

Tequila

A foul distilled spirit made of agave, which has the sole redeeming feature of causing young college co-ed's clothing to disappear after they have imbibed it.

Web 2.0

2008-12-15T19:09:00.000-08:00

Web 2.0

1. New internet technologies that allow for a more interactive and social experience.
2. Much improved over Web 1.0 as Web 2.0 companies have a burn rate TWICE as fast as Web 1.0 companies.

The Big 3

2008-12-15T19:05:00.000-08:00

The Big 3

1. Commonly known as GM (General Motors), Ford and Chrysler
2. Pension and Insurance funds that occasionally manufacture cars.

Atheist

2008-12-14T11:43:00.000-08:00

Atheist

A person who believes there is no god with religious fervor. Will feel a right twit in Hell.

See videos of the devil at the bottom of the dictionary

Weasel

2008-12-13T17:12:00.000-08:00

Weasel

1. A small furry animal, related to ferrets
2. A coworker who does the following:

-No work
-Skips work
-Has great hair
-Has great self promotion skills
-Known for being a kiss ass

and

-Gets promoted to be your boss, making your life hell. See here
-Marries Miss America

Jerry Springer

2008-12-13T17:09:00.000-08:00

Jerry Springer

1. A daytime talkshow host.
2. A trashier version of "Oprah". Originator of the "Nuts and Sluts" form of talk show.
3. A smashing good opera.

E-Mail

2008-12-13T17:01:00.000-08:00

E-Mail

1. An electronic form of communication replacing interoffice memos and bulletin boards. It is also used as an electronic "watercooler" for many workers.
2. A way of appearing busy at work without actually doing work, e.g. "I am just doing my e-mails", "I need to catch up on my e-mails" while all the time shamelessly flirting with your sexy co-worker... via e-mail.

Meetings

2008-12-13T16:56:00.000-08:00

Meetings:

A gathering of your coworkers to segregate the smartest and most productive from the dimmest and laziest, via a process of "selective weaseling" which will separate the smartest as they can "weasel out" of any given meeting.

Note: An extremely good weasel can "weasel out" of a meeting that he or she has called and is chairing. These are coworkers to be avoided at all costs as they can weasel out of work entirely and are busy fooling around with your girlfriend or wife as you read this.

Oprah

2008-12-13T16:53:00.000-08:00

Oprah

1. An extremely successful TV show host and originator of Oprah's Book Club
2. The source of numerous imitators
3. The font of all wisdom for women between 18 and 50 on all aspects of their lives, including:

-Why their relationship stink
-Why their parents stink
-Why their jobs stink
-Why their lives stink

4. The source of all male misery from the TV shows and Oprah's Book Club

Source of the Devil's Dictionary Revised

2008-12-07T13:48:00.000-08:00

One of the books I am a fan of is Ambrose Bierce's "The Devil's Dictionary". When I headed off to Baja for a bit of head clearing time. So I got to thinking about all the jokes and wittisms that I used to share with friends and co-workers while I was driving. All of a sudden I had 40 definitions that I have been writing down and feeding to the blog when I can. As I surfed and kayaked more, I came up with more. And I have been busy writing them down. I am running at about 90 definitions for the Devil's Dictionary Revised. And I am not slowing down at all.

I plan on keeping the list going while I am down here and putting them here when I get back "home". Even though there isn't a home to go to for a while.

Girlfriend

2008-12-06T08:54:00.000-08:00

Girlfriend

1. A women who has sex with a man with who she has a relationship, for money
2. The amount of money varies with each encounter with said girlfriend. Favored monetary units include:

-Dinner
-Flowers
-Jewelry
-Chocolate
-Shopping Sprees
-Other "Shiny" objects

3. Brings all attendant "baggage" from previous relationships and inflicts the new boyfriend with said "baggage".
4. Will tend to "break things off" for various reasons, usually surrounding certain jewelry that her boyfriend does not provide that is seen to be fitted around the third finger (ring finger) of the right hand.

See Prostitute

Prostitute

2008-12-06T08:51:00.000-08:00

Prostitute

1. A woman who will have sex with a man for money.
2. The amount of money and time for sex is fixed and established up front.
3. Negotiation is allowed.

See Girlfriend & Attorney

SmartPhone

2008-12-04T19:42:00.000-08:00

SmartPhone

1. A phone with an advanced operating system and more computing power than laptops, designed to make the owner look situationally stupid.
2. A phone that cost more than most laptops proving you have more money than the average man and are a Very Important Person, commonly known as a "Jack-Ass"

See Work, AntiWork and BlackBerry

BlackBerry a/k/a CrackBerry

2008-12-04T19:00:00.000-08:00

BlackBerry

Commonly known as a "CrackBerry"

1. A work equalization device, designed to:
a.) Alarm when you are concentrating on work, thus preventing you from working
b.) Alarm when you are at home, to make you do the work you didn't do in the office from it going off in the office.

See Work, AntiWork & SmartPhone

Marriage Counseling

2008-12-04T18:42:00.000-08:00

Marriage Counseling:

1. A process where a therapist, or marriage counselor, acts as a referee for a quarreling couple.
2. A process where you learn:
a.) Your parents weren't married - Common English Translation: "Bastard"
b.) The flaws your parents made in raising you: Common English Translation: "Lazy ass and worthless parents that raised your sorry ass."
c.) Your transgressions since you were a couple: Common English Translation: "Ever since we were dating..."
d.) Your flaws at the mating rituals: Common English Translation: "You suck in bed!"
e. ) Your flaws at employment: Common English translation: "You don't make enough money!!!"
f.) Your comparative worth to your soon to be ex-spouse: Common English Translation: "Goddamn It, you suck, you are shit, fuck you, I don't know why I married you"

All at $250+ an hour, the price of a good dominatrix who is better at dishing out abuse.

Trial Separation

2008-12-04T18:27:00.000-08:00

Trial Separation:

1. Short: A separation that will end in a trial
2. Long: A separation of a married couple that will serve only to enrich their attorneys and impoverish the couple.

Whew - Been too busy to blog

2008-11-29T21:46:00.000-08:00

Yep, it happens to all of us. Too busy to blog,, sinc I have two major software releases for my clients and then running right into the holidays. The funny thing is that there is a lot I have on my backlog list of things to blog about. Things like:

-Moving to a new job
-Moving to a new city
-How moving affects the spouse
-The Big 3 and their business
-Guilty pleasures of the internet
-Economics
-What I am reading
-Heading out to baja
-Other items
-etc.

Geez that is quite a list.

Homey Da Clown's Reading List

2008-11-01T16:34:00.000-07:00

Yes, it's a rainy day in the Pacific Northwest. Isn't that a surprise... Homey Da Clown thought he would share what he is reading at the moment. It's always good to have list of things to read. Today's theme is business and history.

The Intelligent Investor by Ben Graham. This is the father of value investing and this is the original edition from 1949. This book is clear and concise about investing and what it means to invest. It's also clear on how Ben Graham valued businesses. After reading this, I understand why Warren Buffett, Charlie Munger and Christopher Browne are all good stock pickers and big believers in value investing. It's also not surprising that they worked with or for someone who worked with Ben Graham when he was on Wall Street.
The Effective Executive by Peter Drucker. This is the book all people should read. It is all about getting the right things done at the right time. Peter Drucker always was a good, clear speaker and writer. He was also a great business historian which is what most modern day business writers and thinks lack.
The Battle for Spain by Antony Beevor. Most people don't realize that until 1975, Spain was a nominally fascist country under Francisco Franco. This book is a breat overview about the causes and the Spanish Civil War itself.
Reality Check by Guy Kawasaki. I just got this book and enjoying it so far. It's a more hands on book than you find in many of the business books you read (or are forced to read in Business School).
Trafalgar by Nicholas Best. A great book about one of the defining battles in English history. Anywhere in England, you will see some monument to Nelson. If he ever came back to life in Modern England, he would be the second coming everywhere. Royal family, pffff... Prince William and Harry, who cares... Lord Admiral Nelson is here

I'll keep adding books on those rainy weekends that I enjoyed.

Welcome to Homey da Clowns Blog

2008-11-01T15:53:00.000-07:00

Welcome to "Homey Da Clown's" Blog.

Why Homey Da Clown?

Why not? I always liked Damon Wayan's Homey Da Clown character. This blog will be to have fun, share random thoughts, things I receive from friends in my e-mail and so on. Think of Homey as the resident skeptic.